I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
