is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
