Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
