He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
