I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
