just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
