I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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