I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
