I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
