I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
