??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
