FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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