You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
