Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
