it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
