just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
