Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
