I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
