Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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