He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
