she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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