the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
