You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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