Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
