theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
