I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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