Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
