Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
