Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
