he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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