In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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