I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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