Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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