My sheets look like a crime scene.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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