I just made out with a guy for $7.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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