happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
