Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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