if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
