just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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