i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
