Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
