i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
