plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
