we're chasing vodka with high fives
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
