I think im going to throw up on grandma
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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