Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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