He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
