Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
