so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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