The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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